Disappointment

There are great expectations for the roles that people play in our lives. There is no doubt that we know how we want our children, our parents, our lovers and best friends to be. Unsurprisingly, a huge amount of conflict develops between our expectations of a person and the way they behave. No matter how one sets their expectations it appears that disappointment is inevitable. This is especially frustrating since we are all asked to accept the world and our loved ones for who they are today. As youth (and some of you golden oldies) we have a bright burning internal flame that casts a shadow of what people could become. It shows us a 2 dimensional possibility of hope and change. But is this unyielding burning ambition towards positive change possible? Can we reforge the world and people into an image that we hold inside —an image of a reality that we have never known to really exist?

At the root of our expectations are the forms and ideas that we have received from external stimuli. The context that surrounds us and the ideas that it spawns have left a catastrophic impression upon how we perceive reality. Externally we have other people’s lives, the media, fiction and history that we can interweave into our imagination. Because we have a limited ability to deconstruct (especially as an infant) this constant barrage of comparative information we are disabled to the intention or truth. We are unable to critically filter that what we perceive is only a simple piece of a much greater image.

We can’t reach that deep into the lives of others as a child, we are only able to criticize what remains stable within our vision (typically our parents, siblings and friends). That leaves us a dexterous ability to criticize ourselves and those closest to us and an inept ability to do the same for anyone else. This makes sense if you consider the fact that coming to understand another person (and their dimensions) takes a huge amount of time and we never discern that the people that come in and out of our lives are as multifaceted as those that we ‘know’ very well. The difference is that when we have time to know a person in many contexts we load a 3 dimensional figure of them into our mind where they can react within us to ourselves.

To do this we record our interactions over a period of time and then begin to subconsciously construct the image which we then overlay upon their real body in real-time. Furthermore we begin to be able to hear their responses to our thoughts and we can have elaborate and convincing dreams about them. This 3D figure means that we have a fairly good understanding of a person. However it is not fool proof it is only our best attempt at a replica. There are details that we may never see and perhaps our brain is not adept enough to simulate.

When we are unable to develop a 3D figure due to time and information limitations — such as only meeting somebody a few times or only seeing a single dimension that the other person intends to show (such as that of public figures) — we must settle for simple replicas. To know only one facet is to be left only with a 2D image that represents a categorical identifier. For example when we met person A one time at a party where we spent the night laughing at their jokes our mind will simplify them to be ‘funny’ or a ‘comedian’. Comparatively when we are introduced to person B who is introverted, solemn and withdrawn we might say that person B is ‘depressed’ or even ‘cold’. This first impression is how we begun to structure our internal image of them and it gives us novel categories to use for future people. When we were children most of us probably didn’t have the categorical identifier of depression and thus were more likely to construct that person’s image as being ‘disinterested’ or ‘uncaring’. Thus we collect 2D categories or buzzwords that simplify our interactions with other people (specifically people we interact with infrequently).

The 2D construct is mostly a mirage and far too shallow to be able to understand much about how dynamic a person can be. Yet is through these images that we feel comfort in our ability to judge and how we become righteous of our impressions.

However we only had a few hours of carefully selected categorical impressions and this is by far not enough to say that we could have known anything about them. We have never seen them tired, under pressure, broken up with, shitting their pants, waking up in the morning, talking to their mother, supporting their friends or struggling with meaning. Yet what we have taken from them is a shallow representation of their self-expression, the flower of their life, their humor or their generosity. We have taken this impression as a category to compare to ourselves and everyone else. By virtue of living in a society where we spend more time with strangers than with people we know, we have begun to see people as a collection of categories and not with the complexity that is deserved.

We are unable to construct a complete replica of people we meet intermittently, yet we take their qualities and use them as benchmarks for everyone else. These qualities become our expectations. We begin to see our world through a catalogue of 2D possibilities. We throw words at people that hold little to no true meaning or reflection to the reality of being a complex human being. We ask people to be dedicated, hardworking, funny, loving, healthy, understanding, good listeners, sexy, beautiful, exciting, adventurous, uplifting, inspiring, patient etc. but these words have been defined by those who are the greatest adventurers or the most patient. We mute our understanding of the most beautiful person, ignoring completely the complexity of who they are, steal their best attribute and then try and push it upon the people we love (including our self). Because our brain is untrained in its ability to critically analyse those that we don’t spend time with in diverse contexts, we turn our attention away from their other qualities. An intelligent person may also be lazy or a bad listener. Yet it doesn’t matter to us because we are best trained and most habituated in criticising things that we understand, specifically our 3D replicas.

It is simple to understand that we would be disappointed when the 2D image of someone shatters, as a consequence of seeing them in a different context. It may be easy to love and understand someone when we only see them performing in their best area, but many relationships fall apart when moved to other contexts. People have cut off ties with family, friends, lovers while traveling overseas, while moving cities, while living abroad, while dealing with new lifestyle situations etc. It is within these novel contexts that a person has the opportunity to express complex behaviors beyond of our 2D expectations.

These expectations are buzzwords; they are not reality. These buzzwords are entered into a characteristic catalogue, slowly developing a collection of simplified analytical tools for the incredibly complex reality of being human. For whatever reason our emotions trail behind these words, hoping and begging for compatibility. Our feelings and emotions walk mesmerized by the chorus of our favorite characteristics. Consider your own interpretations of the perfect partner, maybe it sounds like:

Adventurous, lighthearted, ambitious, charismatic, sexy, scholarly, patient, strong, agile, peaceful, playful, courageous, gentle, cheeky.

The pied piper leading us off the cliff, endlessly plunging back into reality. These words, our wishes, are but shallow identifiers, they can only exist within certain contexts. Yet it is by these words that we press and push ourselves and others. As if the word is a guarantee of something worthwhile or more commonly perceived as better change. To ask for these words for anyone or anything is to misunderstand that these are simply results of an extremely elaborate Rude Goldberg machine. It is to misunderstand that these words are occurring within the complexity of somebody’s existence. However it is understandable that we would hope to identify our closest humans or ourselves with such positive buzzwords. Whether or not these words would mean anything outside a certain context, such as the compliments received at a party is arguable.

Disappointment does not simply arise because we want our family to be famous or our lover to be sexy. These are simply hyperbolic examples, most of the time it is due to our family member not considering our feelings (being inconsiderate) or our lover not going through with what they say (having integrity). The expectations are objectively completely reasonable but do not reflect the reality of our relationships. While we may be able to look at a situation with clarity or with the 20/20 vision of hindsight we must grasp that people are usually completely immersed in their emotional experience. They themselves are seeking buzzwords (such as success) and like a person running for their train, are ignoring, bumping and displacing many around them.

Striving to make our closest human companions disappoint us less is asking them to match a buzzword. To have integrity or to be considerate is something that with enough pressure we might be able to force them to act within our expectations. This is an unnatural state; it is a mask that will fall off when they next immerse themselves fully into their emotions. Some people, using intense persuasion, bullying, ultimatums and guilt tripping, can force their loved ones to hold masks for many years. But the immersive and contextual experience of that individual, the pool in which they have deprived themselves, is waiting for their next moment of weakness. By turning your attention away from the roots of our loved one’s behaviors denies the offer of deeper levels understanding.

Why would we turn ourselves away from knowing our loved ones?

It is because we are deeply, deathly afraid that the knowing of our loved ones will ultimately lead to disappointment. The ultimate truth that they have desire, wishes and emotions that are direct violations of our own. Let us have no doubt that within each of us, our mothers, fathers, sisters, brothers, lovers, friends are expectations, desires, emotions that are in complete opposition to the interests of their surroundings. There will be times when that person will be thrown or perhaps dive into those moments and disappoint you. There will be times when you will do the same and perhaps only you will know why. It is with this point that we must accept disappointment within our life. We have no alternative.

Being disappointed by our loved ones and knowing that one day the ones that we love will disappoint us is a tough fact to face. But it is a critical part of accepting who people are. If we remove the noise of shallow words and their expectations a 3D figure of our loved ones may begin to form within us. It can help us act with compassion, not only towards them but towards oneself. It may be impossible to not have expectations, but it is up to each individual to how seriously they take disappointment.

via Daily Prompt: Expectation